I realized after reading my post from yesterday that I sound pretty bitter about breast feeding, and well I am. So I think this is a good place to just get out my feelings, and if anyone actually reads this, let them know I don't hate them if they actually can breastfeed their child.
So to start out, even before I was pregnant or even really thinking about starting a family, I judged people who didn't at least put forth a good effort for breastfeeding. I mean, now can you not even try, it just seemed wrong, that your baby would arrive and you would say give me the formula. Then I got pregnant, and I read the books, and took the class, I was an expert. I was excited to breastfeed my baby, and was positive that nothing could stop me. I mean everything I read said that it's so rare that a woman truly cannot breastfeed, so I wasn't going to have any problems.
So, Owen arrives, and I do everything right. I nurse him within two hours of birth, and I do my best to keep him in my room. He's got ad jaundice, but I wake him up faithfully every two hours and make him eat. The pediatrician says he needs formula to help with the jaundice. I resist, and he gained back 2oz in one day, I think everything is great, but at 2 weeks he still isn't back to birth weight. We saw a different doctor that day, she says no big deal he's only short a couple ounces, come back in a week, I bet he'll be great.
We come back a week later, hasn't gained ANY weight. So here I am crying in the doctors office because I just know there is something wrong, I read the books. He has plenty of wet diapers, plenty of dirty diapers, and is eating 10 times a day. Of course, when your baby's heart is working so hard that he is burning all his calories as fast as he's taking them in, that's not in the books. That, of course, should have entered my pediatricians mind that day, when he heard Owen's heart murmur for the first time, but it didn't, he just said I needed to start supplementing again. This time I listened, and my child ended up in the back of an ambulance at 3AM because at least the ER doctor listened to me when I said I knew something was wrong with my baby.
At children's hospital, I met with 4 lactation consultants, each one said we were doing everything right, and we could keep breastfeeding. As Nathan said, of course we were doing everything right, you read the books, and took the class. However, two weeks later, Owen is now 5 weeks old, and surprise he still isn't back to his birth weight.
So, our journey of breastfeeding ends. Even though the pediatrician wants me to nurse and then give a bottle, I know that is not a long term solution, and take it upon myself to do some research. I decided I was going to pump and add formula to my breastmilk to up the calories, I started taking all the supplements that are supposed to up your supply so when you become an "exclusive pumper" you can get a decent amount. Well, probably because of the stress, nothing worked, and I just couldn't keep up. I knew at that point, we just needed to switch to high calorie formula. I cried a lot at first, and was mad at the world because things just weren't going the way they were supposed to. After a couple days, I changed my mind. Owen was happier, and when we went to that first doctor appointment he had gained 8 oz in 4 days and was finally above birth weight.
I know I made the right decision for my family, but I am still jealous of the women who can breastfeed, and whose baby's actually gain weight. I also, do feel like less of a mom because even though I know I didn't I feel like I failed my baby. So yes, I am bitter, and I probably will be forever, even if I am successful with breastfeeding next time. And, I will continue to judge moms who don't even try, because I tried harder than anyone I know.
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